CRISIS OF ANOTHER KIND

Ever had one of those days when you just want to scream? The nervous breakdown is but one small incident away and you just want to time switch yourself into a different world – No? Well where do you live?

I was preparing our villa for a 2^nd viewing, yes really, in this market unbelievable – but true!

I had even practised amusing comments and conversations to keep the prospective buyers children entertained which had entailed me in watching my (er, I mean borrowed from a friend) Wallace and Gromit videos – purely for research you understand, when things started to go badly wrong.

We removed the pool cover to discover the water level was ominously low and naturally the pool needed cleaning. Flicked the pool pump switch to on position and nada – not one revolution did the pump perform. Called my Dutch neighbour, a well renowned local expert on such matters, who diagnosed switchgear problems. So after acquiring expensive new parts, I won’t tell you how many shops I went to, we fitted them and nada. I have never known him to be beaten but beaten he was. Plan B: call in a Spanish expert who quickly arrived on the scene and after scratching his head and numerous phone calls finally diagnosed a loose wire – pumps away but it was leaking. It needed de-installing and taking to the dealer for a thorough overhaul.

In the meantime the burglar alarm had decided to have an electronic crisis resulting in perpetual bleeping. Called out the British alarm people who for 10 seconds of reprogramming charged 3 times as much as the pool man had for an hours work.

The automatic garden watering system sprang a leak, which might seem like a contradiction, but was repaired after hacking away a summer’s growth of bougainvillea to access the broken connector to the water tap.

One of the lounge windows then decided to go into self-destruct mode as part of the frame became detached. It was at his stage during my frantic efforts to prepare the house into an immaculate state for the 2^nd viewing that I began to feel the pressure.

This series of events spread over 2 frustrating days – if all around you are keeping a cool head, as in the case of my neighbour, they obviously have no appreciation of the crisis. After 4 problem free years with the villa it is amazing how everything can go wrong simultaneously.

The 2^nd viewing? Never happened they must have been psychic. Still at least I found my (OK I come clean) Wallace and Gromit vids. Which is my favourite? – tough question but I think ‘The Wrong Trousers’ takes it.

Rob Innis

October ‘The Inland Magazine’ out soon.